1 00:00:02,730 --> 00:00:15,210 So no pressure there, then it's like, Andy, I too would like to to say happy night after the night before. 2 00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:22,740 It's not often that in LGBT History Month, we actually get to participate in history being made. 3 00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:24,480 I'll be completely honest with you, 4 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:32,220 when the whole issue of equal marriage was first mooted a couple of years back as a serious, ongoing campaign for No. 5 00:00:32,220 --> 00:00:37,200 I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to be married. 6 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:46,320 I had been very happy when the whole civil partnership thing came in because it seemed to me that by giving us something that wasn't called marriage, 7 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,250 we avoided all the history boned up in that world. 8 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:58,230 The patriarchal history, the sense of marriage as ownership of women, all of those, all of the baggage that came with marriage, if you like. 9 00:00:58,230 --> 00:01:02,130 It seemed to me that we were avoiding by having civil partnership. 10 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:10,470 But the more I listened to the arguments and the more I understood what people were asking for and why people were asking for this, 11 00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:16,200 the more I came round to understanding the importance of it. I don't know how closely you followed the debate last night, 12 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,880 but certainly one of the most moving things I thought was David Lammy talking from the 13 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:28,260 perspective of a black man about how it is impossible to have separate but equal development. 14 00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:29,630 And I was listening to that. 15 00:01:29,630 --> 00:01:40,620 I was thinking how extraordinarily far we have come in the 40 years since I first came to St Hilda's and how unbelievable that would have seemed. 16 00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:50,190 Back in 1972, when I came here as an undergraduate, the notion that we would have all the kinds of legislation enacted that we've had in recent years. 17 00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:55,890 But ultimately, that we would be able to get married to seemed a then c an idea. 18 00:01:55,890 --> 00:02:00,630 But this now feels like one of the last pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. 19 00:02:00,630 --> 00:02:06,360 A complicated jigsaw puzzle. And one of those annoying ones that doesn't have a picture on the box. 20 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,620 So you're continually fumbling around trying to figure out which bit goes where. 21 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,730 But I very much feel that we're close to completing a picture of that jigsaw, 22 00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:21,270 a picture where we will be regarded in this society as full and equal members as good as anyone else. 23 00:02:21,270 --> 00:02:24,870 And surely, I think that's what we all aimed for, what we all hoped for. 24 00:02:24,870 --> 00:02:28,950 And in my case, something I never quite believed could happen. 25 00:02:28,950 --> 00:02:35,790 One of the things I enjoy most in the course of every year is to go to the Stonewall Equality dinner. 26 00:02:35,790 --> 00:02:40,140 It's in the Dorchester, in the ballroom at the Dorchester, 27 00:02:40,140 --> 00:02:47,010 and the ballroom at the Dorchester is full of queers guys looking wonderful in their tuxedos, 28 00:02:47,010 --> 00:02:54,660 some of them in the kilts, women in beautiful gowns and dresses, and some of them in beautiful tuxedos as well. 29 00:02:54,660 --> 00:03:03,570 But what I love is that here we are. We have taken over the bastion at the heart of the establishment of what a body part playing for heaven's sake, 30 00:03:03,570 --> 00:03:12,460 just being ourselves and celebrating that we have come this far and so far I think has been this has been for me anyway, 31 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:16,860 a time of great excitement and great joy. 32 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,080 But it wasn't always thus. 33 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:30,870 I grew up in Scotland, as you can probably tell, I was born in 1955, so I did most of my growing up in the 1960s and the early seventies. 34 00:03:30,870 --> 00:03:42,070 And when I grew up, there were no lesbians. No no one wasn't a single lesbian in Scotland as far as I was aware. 35 00:03:42,070 --> 00:03:45,790 There were no lesbians visible, certainly there were no lesbian novels, 36 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:50,860 there were no lesbians in movies about lesbians on the soap for new lesbian tennis stars. 37 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:53,410 I know you'll find that hard to believe. 38 00:03:53,410 --> 00:04:03,650 You know, I would sit there and watch, you know, Pam Shriver and Betty Storv and think they look a bit different, but I don't know quite what it is. 39 00:04:03,650 --> 00:04:13,010 We had heard that there were people who were different would have these things called Les's, but nobody ever actually met one. 40 00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:17,390 Sometimes you met somebody whose cousin's cousin had a friend who was one. 41 00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:20,990 But you never actually met one as such. No. 42 00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:25,100 We knew there were proofs because you saw them on the television from time to time. 43 00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:30,140 Larry Grayson, John Inman when posted about them. But there were no lesbians. 44 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:38,450 Absolutely none. So I grew up really not understanding why I felt different. 45 00:04:38,450 --> 00:04:46,790 I thought I felt different because I wanted to be a writer. And that was an ambition that Ted had formed me at the very early age. 46 00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:55,310 I grew up in a very working class background. There was not much money and there was money for books, which were a luxury that we couldn't afford. 47 00:04:55,310 --> 00:05:01,490 But I was very lucky. Well, when I was six years old, my parents moved house to live opposite the Central Library. 48 00:05:01,490 --> 00:05:06,920 And that became my home from home, that became my haven. That became the place where I discovered the world. 49 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:13,220 And from that base, I suppose I I learnt that there was a wider world. 50 00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:18,600 What I really learnt was that people actually wrote those books didn't just appear by magic. 51 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,390 And it was a job that you got paid money for. 52 00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:25,580 It wasn't something that people did out of the goodness of their heart rate books so that people could read them and enjoy them. 53 00:05:25,580 --> 00:05:31,220 And so from a very early age, I formulated the notion I would like to be a writer. 54 00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:35,660 And I thought, that's what made me different. I thought, that's what set me apart. 55 00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:39,950 I think for teenage girls, for adolescent girls, 56 00:05:39,950 --> 00:05:47,330 sometimes it's very difficult in a world where there are no visible lesbians to identify your sexuality, 57 00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:54,170 because I think for most adolescent girls, the heart of your emotional life is your female friendships. 58 00:05:54,170 --> 00:06:00,950 You have your best pal, you have your other close pal. And that's the one of whom you share your emotional reality. 59 00:06:00,950 --> 00:06:07,550 You might go out with lots on a Saturday night, but it's not real until you talk about it on Monday morning. 60 00:06:07,550 --> 00:06:12,110 Girls have very passionate and very emotional friendships in their teens. 61 00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:17,600 And if you don't have another box to put that in, you just think you're like everybody else and you just do. 62 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,020 It's one of those things you don't really talk about. You don't like periods. 63 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:24,650 You have these strong emotional attachments, but it's just like everybody else. 64 00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:31,250 And so I grew up really feeling different, but not understanding where that difference lay. 65 00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:36,470 There were no templates for any other kind of life. Why would I think differently? 66 00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:43,050 I did discover towards the end of my my my school career a book called The Well of Loneliness. 67 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:49,070 Now I read this book because at that stage of my life, I was reading everything crossed my path. 68 00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:58,600 And I thought, Well, I don't want to be a men's suits. I don't want to be called Stephen, and I don't want to kill myself. 69 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:12,510 Obviously, I can't be a lesbian. And as I say, I think that at the heart of my my teenage years, there was a loneliness. 70 00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,900 I had lots of friends, but I always felt, as I said, I felt different. 71 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:20,340 I felt separate. And I thought this was somehow the thing that you needed to do to be a writer. 72 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:25,380 You had to have that detachment that that separation. So I was OK with thoughts. 73 00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:31,110 And I came to Oxford and I did what everybody else does Oxford. 74 00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:37,440 I got drunk and I went to tutorials and danced the night away and I had boyfriends. 75 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:45,030 And again, I felt that my life was was kind of like that Peggy Lee song, you know? 76 00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:50,610 All it is, you know, I went out with boys, I even slept with them. 77 00:07:50,610 --> 00:07:57,570 And all was at the heart of it was like, You know what? All the fuss was about. I mean, really, that's not what all the fuss was about. 78 00:07:57,570 --> 00:08:08,430 And I was in my my second year at Oxford when I read a book called Sexual Politics by Kate Millett. 79 00:08:08,430 --> 00:08:11,640 This is a work of essentially of literary criticism. 80 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:17,010 But for someone who was in the middle of an English course at a time when the English course was very 81 00:08:17,010 --> 00:08:23,580 much a traditional course rooted in Anglo-Saxon middle English and were modern English literature, 82 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:28,180 it ended in 1945. This book was a revelation to me. 83 00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:33,780 It was the first book of feminist criticism I had ever seen, and I devoured this. 84 00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:39,750 It was. It was as if I was walking through a desert and suddenly I had found an oasis. 85 00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:44,010 I devoured this book over the course of the weekend and I was on fire. 86 00:08:44,010 --> 00:08:53,160 I was so excited I had discovered feminism. And I remember going to my tutorial with an Eliot who was at all, if any of you remember John Eliot, 87 00:08:53,160 --> 00:09:04,560 but it was very proper, very polite, very quiet, very calm, a good Christian, a good woman and a good shooter. 88 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,260 Very, very traditional. 89 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:17,580 And I burst into my tutorial absolutely full of myself, and I just ranted for 10 minutes about the glories of sexual politics by Kate Millett. 90 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:20,580 I talked about what I'd learnt about the explosion inside my head, 91 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:26,470 about how excited I was about how this had revolutionised the way I thought about English literature. 92 00:09:26,470 --> 00:09:35,460 And on Eliot sat quietly, nodding through all this tirade, which I eventually stopped for breath and she said, Oh yes, dear Kate. 93 00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:44,580 Oh dear Kate, what do you mean, dear Kate? And she says I supervised her PhD thesis that became sexual politics. 94 00:09:44,580 --> 00:09:53,760 I was just so completely gobsmacked that even in this one revelatory thing, Oxford had got there ahead of me. 95 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:58,950 But the thing about discovering Kate Miller's and discovering feminist criticism 96 00:09:58,950 --> 00:10:05,220 that this led me into the arms of the feminists at the time in the early 1970s, 97 00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:10,140 being led into the arms of the feminists inevitably meant being led into the arms of the lesbians. 98 00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:15,960 But I still wasn't sure about the lesbians. I just wasn't sure about this at all. 99 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:25,320 It just seemed something that was just thought a little step too far, that little step beyond the world that I really understood. 100 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,520 Apart from the fact that they were lesbians, they were very, very different from me. 101 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:33,480 They were very different from my experience of the world. 102 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:40,470 They were English for a start and they were middle class, 103 00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:49,860 and they talked about relationships in terms of timely of politics and not about emotions, really. 104 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:54,510 And I found that a bit strange. I find I find a bit hard to get my head round. 105 00:10:54,510 --> 00:11:00,990 And so I kind of hung back and I carried on reading and I carried on trying to to 106 00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:06,300 do my coursework and trying to make the first steps towards becoming a writer. 107 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:11,700 And eventually, what happened to me was what happens to all of us in fullness of time. 108 00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:16,530 I fell head over heels in love with someone who fell head over heels in love with me. And that was about them. 109 00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:23,700 I'm a lesbian, though that's fine. When I was 19, I was in my final year Hilda's. 110 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:30,870 And that was not an easy path to tread at that particular point for all sorts of reasons, 111 00:11:30,870 --> 00:11:35,880 but it was for me an absolute revelation that changed my life. 112 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:43,710 There was no turning back from that point. For the first time, really, I think in my life I knew who I was, and for me, 113 00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:50,570 that meant that it opened up the door to being possibly the kind of writer I could be. 114 00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:59,480 Informed, I suppose, my whole idea of the world, and I don't care if it was going to be difficult, I didn't really. 115 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:04,700 I was young and stupid, you know, I didn't care how difficult it was going to be because I was, I was, you know, 116 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:13,310 I was going to be heroic and idealistic and all of those things, I just knew that I was who I was, and I could not live in denial of that. 117 00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:24,770 When I left Oxford, I went off to work in that natural home for a radical lesbian feminist tabloid journalism. 118 00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:32,660 I got my first job working for Middle Group Trading Scheme down in Devon, where they had a group of weekly newspapers. 119 00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:41,600 And I have to say that in terms of being a feminist, never mind, the lesbian in Plymouth was a bit the last place on the planet to be. 120 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,770 You know, I was desperately looking for other lesbians at this point. You know, I was 20. 121 00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:50,130 I was like, You know, I was I was up for it, you know, and I eventually found it. 122 00:12:50,130 --> 00:12:58,430 There was a supposedly a gay pub. I went along to this gay pub one Wednesday night, which was the gay night, 123 00:12:58,430 --> 00:13:07,250 and I was the only woman in the place and the guys were really nice and really friendly, but they were women. 124 00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:08,030 It wasn't. 125 00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:16,700 It wasn't a time where I think it was very easy to meet other women unless you happened to be in London, where I think it was a wee bit easier. 126 00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:20,840 But in the sticks, it wasn't. It wasn't a simple and straightforward process. 127 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:27,440 So I suppose I was putting a lot of a lot of my energies into attempting to write under, I suppose, 128 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:32,630 because I had just finished my degree in Oxford, I decided I was going to write literary fiction. 129 00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:38,570 I was going to be a great English novelist, never mind that was Scottish. 130 00:13:38,570 --> 00:13:45,500 I was talking about the English novelist. And I thought that I should do it to, you know, the secrets of the universe. 131 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,590 You know, nobody can tell you anything when you're 20. 132 00:13:48,590 --> 00:14:05,270 So I wrote this this great novel about life was full of all the big emotions of love, hate and jealousy and betrayal and rage and despair and punting. 133 00:14:05,270 --> 00:14:12,380 And believe me, if you've ever gone past that Hilda's in those days before the dredge the bottom, you'd know how desperate that could be. 134 00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:16,550 And I finish this book is about the only thing I can say in its favour. 135 00:14:16,550 --> 00:14:22,610 I actually finished it and I started sending it off to publishers in London. 136 00:14:22,610 --> 00:14:27,600 It was. It was, of course, a lesbian novel because that was something I was going to make. 137 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:34,190 The great literary lesbian novel couldn't wait for the waters to come along, you know, to get stuck in there. 138 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:36,950 So I sent this off to many publishers, 139 00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:43,910 and people will often tell you about the first experiences of trying to get published and send books off to publishers and wait for weeks and weeks. 140 00:14:43,910 --> 00:14:49,910 And eventually it comes back with, you know, polite letter explaining the reasons why it doesn't fit the list right now. 141 00:14:49,910 --> 00:14:56,830 And this wasn't what happened to me. My book used to come back by the time the post. 142 00:14:56,830 --> 00:15:02,030 I think I sent it to just about every publishing house in London. 143 00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:08,380 I think by the end I was getting letters from people I hadn't actually sent it to. 144 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:14,590 We've heard about this book, please don't send it to us, but I was undaunted. 145 00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:17,650 I was undaunted, you know, I was I was determined I was, 146 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:25,270 but by this time starting to to write my my second grade English novel that was a lesbian novel as well. 147 00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:31,570 You know, if you can cast your mind back to 1975, that wasn't a lot of lesbian novels being published full stop, 148 00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:35,950 and those that were being published were being tended to be published by small feminist publishing houses, 149 00:15:35,950 --> 00:15:43,750 one by two women in North London, and didn't even occur to me to send it to them. 150 00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:47,650 But but I did. 151 00:15:47,650 --> 00:15:52,300 I did show it to a friend of mine who's an actor, and she she looked at this, 152 00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:57,490 and to this day, she wouldn't admit whether she was diplomatic or telling me the truth. 153 00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:02,890 But she said, I don't know much about novels, but I think this would make a good play. 154 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:09,500 So I thought Patsy's just cross all the descriptions, leaving the speaker a bit since the play. 155 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:14,650 And so essentially what I did, I went through. I left the dialogue. I crossed to all the descriptions. 156 00:16:14,650 --> 00:16:16,420 I wrote a few extra scenes to cover the bits. 157 00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:24,820 I've crossed out and it was a play and I trotted off to the local theatre company down in Plymouth, where I was. 158 00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:32,890 I was working at the remote, but I was working next to by then took this off to the local theatre and I had an in with the local 159 00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:39,550 theatre company because the director of the local theatre was the ex-boyfriend of my best friend, 160 00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:47,680 Oxford sister. So obviously you have to you have to use the Old Pals Act, you know, so at least I got I got them to look at it. 161 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,890 And he said, This is marvellous. I love this song. 162 00:16:50,890 --> 00:16:54,490 I want to do a season of new plays in the studio theatre and this is perfect. 163 00:16:54,490 --> 00:17:03,220 So by the age of twenty three, completely accidentally, I was a professionally performed playwright with a lesbian play. 164 00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:12,910 I was little commissioned to adapt this play for BBC radio, and you wouldn't believe the trouble that caused it ended up. 165 00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:19,960 It was originally commissioned by Radio three. Radio three got cold feet because it was a lesbian play. 166 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:27,160 Then Radio four expressed an interest, and they eventually decided not to do it because it was about lesbians, 167 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:33,580 and it eventually ended up bizarrely being broadcast on Radio Scotland. 168 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:38,890 Not, you would imagine, the natural home of a lesbian play in 1983. 169 00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:44,140 I think it was, but I think it was just because the guy who produced the play was on staff 170 00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:49,870 at Radio Scotland and the short of a play one week and he stuck it in there. 171 00:17:49,870 --> 00:17:55,090 I, of course, thought this was the start of a brilliant career as a playwright that any minute now Hollywood would 172 00:17:55,090 --> 00:18:00,190 be knocking at the door that I was going to be the new Harold Pinter or the new Tom Stoppard, 173 00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:08,440 but it didn't work out quite like that. I think the problem for me really was that I didn't know what I'd done right, so I couldn't replicate it. 174 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:14,530 I kept trying to write plays, and they were terrible. Truly, truly terrible plays. 175 00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:20,740 Most of them wasn't even lesbian plays, but I couldn't get another one performed anywhere. 176 00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:25,570 And eventually I reached the point where the agent I had acquired when my first 177 00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:31,840 play was professionally performed sent me a letter that begun Dear Val McDermid. 178 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:37,060 Now, you know, that's not going to be a good letter, don't you? And it wasn't a good letter. 179 00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:44,920 It was the one that went. We are. We are cutting back on our list and you are cut back. 180 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:51,070 And so this was was for me was was really the lowest point of my my writing career. 181 00:18:51,070 --> 00:18:57,130 I was, however, at this time gainfully employed as a tabloid hack. 182 00:18:57,130 --> 00:19:03,700 I had gone into tabloid journalism with a very strong political idealism. 183 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:07,600 I grew up, as I said, in the working class background in Scotland, 184 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:17,830 and I felt very strongly that working class people had a right to media that were intelligent, uninformative as well as entertaining. 185 00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:23,590 And I believed that that's what the role of tabloid journalism should be, and that's why I went into tabloid journalism. 186 00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:27,850 I started, as I said, a trainee journalist in Devon on weekly papers. 187 00:19:27,850 --> 00:19:33,100 Then I moved to the Daily Record in Glasgow, which was the paper I had grown up reading in my parents house, 188 00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:41,500 which was in those days a pretty decent newspaper still actually reported the news. 189 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:50,680 Oddly enough, if you read tabloids these days, you'll know that it's quite a reality, and I later went on to work in Manchester for the people again. 190 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:56,410 When I went to the people, it was a it was a powerful tabloid newspaper. We did a lot of investigative journalism. 191 00:19:56,410 --> 00:19:58,420 We did a lot of human interest stories. 192 00:19:58,420 --> 00:20:07,160 And it was only really in the mid-1980s that we started the irreversible slide into the gutter where it became. 193 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:14,030 A tabloid rag like the rest of them, that was only interested in the sex lives of soap stars and photographs of people in their underwear, 194 00:20:14,030 --> 00:20:18,170 that when you were out doing a story you'd get questions from the news desk for underwear. 195 00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:22,970 Was she wearing or someone's just died? 196 00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:25,130 I mean, it was it was on that level. 197 00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:34,070 Believe me and I was sort of like living these, these two lives in parallel, if you like I was living this life of, 198 00:20:34,070 --> 00:20:40,670 I want to be a proper writer on this life as a tabloid journalism, but I was very successful. 199 00:20:40,670 --> 00:20:47,360 I was continually being approached, topped up to come to London. I always said, No, I want to go to London, I would want to go there. 200 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:52,610 It's much nicer outside London, go into the countryside, you get to meet people. 201 00:20:52,610 --> 00:21:03,980 It's nice. But also I think what I had by that stage I had done was I'd carved a niche, I suppose, of some kind of respect amongst my colleagues. 202 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:09,180 I had never been in the closet in that sense. 203 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:15,720 When I went into tabloid journalism, I didn't walk in with a T-shirt emblazoned with I am a lesbian. 204 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,950 But equally, if people asked me the question, I didn't deny it. 205 00:21:19,950 --> 00:21:24,270 I was determined not to live half a life. 206 00:21:24,270 --> 00:21:29,790 I've seen the lives of people I've grown up with, where they were in denial, 207 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:35,190 sometimes to themselves, but always to the people around them about their true selves. 208 00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:40,590 And it seemed to me that what they were living was half a life. I was not prepared to do that. 209 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:47,260 It always seemed to me that the price of doing that was much higher than the price of doing something else. 210 00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:53,410 And, you know, I will say that I I still go back a lot to the time, but I grew up, I have strong roots. 211 00:21:53,410 --> 00:21:57,760 There are strong connexions there and I still know people that I went to school 212 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:06,460 with who I know are gay and who are in the closet still all these years later. 213 00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:13,720 I count amongst them someone who was a very close friend of my teens who. 214 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:20,620 Even stayed in the closet when her teenage daughter came out to me. 215 00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:25,060 And I was the person who guided her teenage daughter through being a lesbian in a small town in 216 00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:32,120 Scotland in the 1980s because her mother was too frightened to come out even to her own daughter. 217 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:36,460 I just don't understand that mindset. 218 00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:44,770 I just don't understand. The need to be like that in the 21st century. 219 00:22:44,770 --> 00:22:54,630 It's such an impoverishing way of life. And it makes me so sad, and it makes me. 220 00:22:54,630 --> 00:23:00,990 It makes me glad that I chose the route that I chose, because although it's been difficult at times, 221 00:23:00,990 --> 00:23:05,670 there were times booking as the only lesbian tabloid journalist in the country who was out. 222 00:23:05,670 --> 00:23:14,830 I knew of at least two others, but they were very far in the closet. I mean, they were practically anonymous. 223 00:23:14,830 --> 00:23:21,630 And you know what? I'm what I'm not. I'm not claiming any great bravery for myself. 224 00:23:21,630 --> 00:23:25,350 What I'm actually claiming for myself, I think, is there's a greater sense of fear, 225 00:23:25,350 --> 00:23:32,160 the fear of what it would do not to be honest about my life, the fear of what it would do to me to continually live a lie. 226 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:36,840 I didn't want to live like that. I couldn't live like that. 227 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,430 And so I went forward as it were taking the knocks. 228 00:23:40,430 --> 00:23:46,380 But but at least being, you know, willing to try. 229 00:23:46,380 --> 00:23:50,910 I was very involved in the trade union of journalists. 230 00:23:50,910 --> 00:23:58,980 I was involved with Union Equality Council, but I was also involved as a negotiator for my chapel. 231 00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:02,340 The journalist that I worked with, I represented, 232 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:11,040 and that also taught me a lot about the whole lot of negotiating your way through the complicated shoals of difficult illness. 233 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:20,280 So once I had realised I wasn't going to be a playwright, I had to figure out what kind of writer I was going to be. 234 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,780 And it seemed to me that I had gone wrong was not understanding what I was doing. 235 00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:31,560 So it seemed to me, therefore, that I ought to try and do something that I did understand. And I had always read a lot of crime fiction. 236 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,790 I devoured it alongside everything else that I was reading. 237 00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:39,330 And also, at this time, I had started reading a lot of lesbian fiction. 238 00:24:39,330 --> 00:24:47,730 This was the time when writers like Barbara Wilson and Mary Wings and Catherine Forest were writing those early lesbian crime fiction. 239 00:24:47,730 --> 00:24:53,490 And I started to think that this might be a possible thing that I could do. 240 00:24:53,490 --> 00:24:58,680 But the book that finally catapulted me to get off my backside and do it wasn't one of the lesbian writers. 241 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:05,700 It was actually Sara Paretsky cineplexes first novel indemnity only, which I found an electrifying read. 242 00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:13,650 I loved it because at the heart of this book, there was a female protagonist who had a brain and a sense of humour. 243 00:25:13,650 --> 00:25:18,150 I loved the fact that they had an urban setting that seemed to me to be much more realistic and 244 00:25:18,150 --> 00:25:24,180 much more in tune with the world they inhabited than the world of the English detective novel, 245 00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:27,990 and that Agatha Christie and and even Ruth Rendell had presented. 246 00:25:27,990 --> 00:25:35,940 That was not my world. You know, the villages I grew up in that not have retired cardinals of the Indian Army. 247 00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:42,150 And so I love this all of the setting. But what I also loved about it was that these books had politics as well. 248 00:25:42,150 --> 00:25:45,330 They had personal politics and they had a wider social politics. 249 00:25:45,330 --> 00:25:52,650 And that appealed to me because I suddenly understood that by writing fiction, writing engaging, 250 00:25:52,650 --> 00:26:00,660 entertaining fiction that would draw an audience to my books, I could actually explore the things in the world that mattered to me. 251 00:26:00,660 --> 00:26:04,500 I could explore issues of gender that could explore issues of social politics. 252 00:26:04,500 --> 00:26:07,890 I could get to grips with all the things that made me rant and rage in the morning when 253 00:26:07,890 --> 00:26:12,810 I listen to the radio and that I wouldn't be doing this in a sort of didactic way. 254 00:26:12,810 --> 00:26:16,950 I would be doing it as part of the fabric of what I was writing. 255 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,330 And that's what paretsky taught me. 256 00:26:18,330 --> 00:26:25,620 I think more than anything was you can weave the stuff that you really passionately cared about into what you write without going, by the way. 257 00:26:25,620 --> 00:26:31,680 And another thing. And by the way, here's another thing to think about you weave into the story, weave into the lives of your characters. 258 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:36,150 You make it inextricable with what you're writing about the story that you're telling. 259 00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:41,970 And so I sat down to write my first attempt a crime novel. 260 00:26:41,970 --> 00:26:50,490 The book that came out of it was a book called Report for Murder, which was published in 1987. 261 00:26:50,490 --> 00:26:59,190 And this book was the first British crime novel with an openly lesbian protagonist. 262 00:26:59,190 --> 00:27:03,180 Now, when I sat down to write the book, that really wasn't what was in my mind. 263 00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:10,710 I wasn't thinking, Oh, I'm going to break the ground, I'm going to be the first one to write the lesbian crime novel in the U.K. 264 00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:14,340 I ended up writing a lesbian crime novel because that was the way she came out, 265 00:27:14,340 --> 00:27:19,260 and it never occurred to me that Lindsay Gordon would be anything other than a lesbian. 266 00:27:19,260 --> 00:27:25,500 That was the character in my head, and that was the way she came out on the page. And the. 267 00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:33,870 For me, growing up without any role models, I felt very passionately that I did not want the next generation of young women 268 00:27:33,870 --> 00:27:39,210 coming after me to be growing up in a desert barren of any kind of lesbian temple, 269 00:27:39,210 --> 00:27:46,680 any kind of life that was an alternate to the heterosexual, normative lives on offer. 270 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:54,070 And so it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that I should write a lesbian central character. 271 00:27:54,070 --> 00:28:00,130 If you've read the Lindsay Gordon books, you will know that she's never physically described. 272 00:28:00,130 --> 00:28:04,660 I never tell people what Lindsay looks like, and there's a very strong reason for that. 273 00:28:04,660 --> 00:28:15,340 I wanted people who read the books to make their own Lindsay. I wanted them to be able to read Lindsay and imagine themselves in her shoes. 274 00:28:15,340 --> 00:28:19,900 Imagine on a good day or a bad day, depending on what she was doing at the time. 275 00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:20,710 But that was them. 276 00:28:20,710 --> 00:28:29,800 They could be that person, or if they didn't want to be that person, they could be going out with that person or staying in with that person. 277 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:36,550 I wanted I wanted Lindsay to be somebody that could be every woman that she could speak to, 278 00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:43,810 the women out there who up to that point hadn't had somebody speaking to them in fiction. 279 00:28:43,810 --> 00:28:47,860 But more than that, I wanted to tell a good story because I did understand that if you don't tell the good story, 280 00:28:47,860 --> 00:28:52,180 then everything else is pointless because nobody's going to read past Page three. 281 00:28:52,180 --> 00:29:02,710 So at the heart of what I was trying to do was was to tell a story that that spoke to people when I wrote Report for Murder. 282 00:29:02,710 --> 00:29:13,480 Again, it was almost as accidental as my first play because the book I really wanted to write was the third book in the series. 283 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:20,200 That was the story I really wanted to tell, but I wasn't very sophisticated as a not as a narrator. 284 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:24,670 I didn't really know much about how you weave stories together. 285 00:29:24,670 --> 00:29:29,170 And I couldn't figure out how to get to the third book with it right in the first two. 286 00:29:29,170 --> 00:29:32,890 Now, as it turns out, that was probably quite a good idea because back in those days, 287 00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:37,240 the advances you got from feminist publishing houses were miniscule. 288 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:41,380 So it's probably as well that I had three books and then to sell instead of just the one. 289 00:29:41,380 --> 00:29:45,790 But I wrote this book very much with this the some. 290 00:29:45,790 --> 00:29:51,520 It's the thought of I know how a crime novel works, and if I make Lindsay Gordon a journalist, I know what journalists do. 291 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:57,220 I know what the possibilities are. I know what the prospects are. I know what the working day is like for a journalist. 292 00:29:57,220 --> 00:30:05,650 And if I make a Scottish and lesbian on left wing and feminist, and that's that's a bit of a doddle, we'll explore all those things are. 293 00:30:05,650 --> 00:30:11,260 The downside of that, I suppose, is that this makes people tend to assume that Lindsay Gordon is me. 294 00:30:11,260 --> 00:30:16,090 She's not in terms of her personality. She's very different from me. 295 00:30:16,090 --> 00:30:22,840 But I did use the superficial facts of my life in constructing the character because I didn't know any better. 296 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:23,710 I didn't know any different. 297 00:30:23,710 --> 00:30:35,560 I didn't have many, many things in my toolbox, one of many skills at my command back in the day when I started writing for Lindsay Gordon books. 298 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:43,260 Writers had the opportunity to grow and develop these days, if you've not got a success by your third novel, your history. 299 00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:47,320 If I was judged on the sales of my first three novel, I wouldn't have a career today. 300 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:53,380 But luckily in those days you could take your time to get a bit better and take your time to build an audience. 301 00:30:53,380 --> 00:30:57,160 Report for murder was published to a resounding silence. 302 00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:01,180 I have to say, you know, you always think when your first novels published that suddenly everything's going to change, 303 00:31:01,180 --> 00:31:05,830 know you're going to walk out the front door of what is going on. There she is the novelist. 304 00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:10,600 But one report from what came out came out as a paperback original and back in 1987. 305 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:15,400 You can cast your mind back that for newspapers only reviewed hot books. 306 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:25,570 So the book didn't get reviewed at all and published by a small publishing house, there was no no marketing budget behind it. 307 00:31:25,570 --> 00:31:29,530 So report for murders it was published a resounding silence that astonishes me to this. 308 00:31:29,530 --> 00:31:38,080 Did anybody actually manage to buy it? But it did sell in reasonable numbers and sufficient that they wanted some more of Lindsay. 309 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,880 Thank goodness. 310 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:47,530 And I put that mostly down to the success of Sarah Paretsky and Sue Grafton and Barbara Wilson and Mary Wings because they had done well in 311 00:31:47,530 --> 00:31:54,730 bookshops and UK publishers were desperate and booksellers too were desperate for something that was home-grown that had the same kind of feel. 312 00:31:54,730 --> 00:32:02,110 So I wrote the second Lindsay Gordon and the third one, and I had then achieved what I set out to achieve, which was my my trilogy. 313 00:32:02,110 --> 00:32:07,150 So I've always known I was going to write something different after those first three books. 314 00:32:07,150 --> 00:32:11,710 The question was what was it going to be by that time? 315 00:32:11,710 --> 00:32:15,550 I wanted to develop my skills as a writer. 316 00:32:15,550 --> 00:32:23,170 I wanted to write different kinds of things. I didn't want to be confined to just writing one kind of book for the rest of my career. 317 00:32:23,170 --> 00:32:27,070 And so I had to think about what was going to come next. 318 00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:33,700 And I ended up writing a series of books with a character called Kate Brannigan, who is a private eye based in Manchester. 319 00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:40,900 And she's straight, and there had good reasons for that. The first reason is that I wanted to push myself as a writer. 320 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:46,420 I wanted to see if I could write further away from myself in a character like Lindsay. 321 00:32:46,420 --> 00:32:53,170 I wanted to stretch myself and stretch my imagination to try and create something that was beyond my own experience. 322 00:32:53,170 --> 00:32:58,720 I also, I'll be honest about it. I wanted to find a mainstream publisher. I wanted to make a living as a writer. 323 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:00,970 I no longer wanted to be a tabloid journalist. 324 00:33:00,970 --> 00:33:09,640 By that stage, I wanted out of the business, and so it was necessary for me to find a way to support myself, and I wanted to do that writing fiction. 325 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:17,290 The third reason is the subversive reason I know the way that crime readers read because I'm a crime reader myself, 326 00:33:17,290 --> 00:33:23,530 and I know that when you find a new writer that you like, you go and buy everything they've written, don't you? 327 00:33:23,530 --> 00:33:32,290 Yeah. So I thought this is a really cunning plan to get all those people who would never buy a lesbian novel to go and buy the Lindsay Gordon books. 328 00:33:32,290 --> 00:33:38,860 And it worked. You know, every time I keep running, a novel came out. The Lindsay Gordon sales spiked as well. 329 00:33:38,860 --> 00:33:43,880 And the other thing that I was able to do with the Kate Brannigan novel. 330 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:51,380 I gave her a best friend who's a lesbian all through my books, whatever the central character, 331 00:33:51,380 --> 00:33:58,220 whatever the subject I've written about, there have always been gay and lesbian characters as part of the landscape. 332 00:33:58,220 --> 00:34:06,620 And that, for me has been one of the most important things about being a writer of my generation. 333 00:34:06,620 --> 00:34:13,940 And in my position is the ability to portray gay and lesbian lives as being part of the landscape. 334 00:34:13,940 --> 00:34:20,030 Part of the world, part of the community were not weirdos and a strange little corner. 335 00:34:20,030 --> 00:34:29,960 All of our own doing laundry and a particularly lesbian way, or going round a supermarket in a particularly gay way. 336 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:34,370 Most of our lives are just like everybody else as we put the bins out. 337 00:34:34,370 --> 00:34:44,240 You know, we bring the carton of the dog. These are our lives, and they are lives that fit in the rich tapestry of the society that we inhabit. 338 00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:51,230 I'm not a separatist. I've never been. I don't want to live in a ghetto because it makes it too easy for them to come and find us. 339 00:34:51,230 --> 00:35:01,880 And so I've never written in the ghetto and I've always tried to write lives that seem to me to be the lives that and in an ideal world, 340 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:06,680 in a way we'd all like to live lives with. It doesn't matter who you sleep with. 341 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:13,640 At the end of the day, what matters is your humanity the way you live as a human being, the way you live in terms of your integrity, 342 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:19,640 the way you live in relation to your family, your friends, to the wider community that you inhabit. 343 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:30,480 And, you know, we're all celebrating this week, and rightly so, because we are we have got to is an amazing place and it's an exciting place. 344 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:35,060 My my wife, I call him my wife, although she is my civil partner, but I'm not always civil. 345 00:35:35,060 --> 00:35:38,360 I have to say I was. She was. 346 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:44,160 She was talking to me just before I came out here tonight and she said, You know, honey, she said, Is this the last thing? 347 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:50,120 Said, What do you mean? She said, Well, you know, there were all those people, you know, who were like, getting their relationship blessed. 348 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:54,100 She's American, by the way. 349 00:35:54,100 --> 00:35:59,540 Are all those people getting their relationships blessed before we could like have any kind of formal commitment, she said. 350 00:35:59,540 --> 00:36:06,590 And then they had to go and like, have a civil partnership, and now they're going to have to have the civil partnership converted to a marriage. 351 00:36:06,590 --> 00:36:12,260 Is this the last thing or are we going to have to do some more? So I think that's the last thing. 352 00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:16,400 I can't think of anything else unless you want to divorce me. 353 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:28,160 But I think what we also have to remember in this time of celebration is that in many places in the world where being gay is no cause for celebration 354 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:34,550 that are still a remarkable number of countries where it's a capital offence 355 00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:40,790 to be open about what we have been able to take for granted in my lifetime. 356 00:36:40,790 --> 00:36:49,850 We have seen remarkable changes in this country. We have seen for men going from being criminals to being able to marry each other. 357 00:36:49,850 --> 00:36:53,750 We have seen changes in the social fabric we have. 358 00:36:53,750 --> 00:36:57,950 It's no longer acceptable to insult us in the streets. 359 00:36:57,950 --> 00:37:06,610 We have lives that although they're not always perfect, and if you live outside one of the big cities, the so often very difficult. 360 00:37:06,610 --> 00:37:11,350 But we have lives where, you know, it's an awful lot better than it used to be. 361 00:37:11,350 --> 00:37:13,750 And I think that know we've got this far. 362 00:37:13,750 --> 00:37:22,570 I would like to think that we can turn some of our campaigning energies into places where it's not as easy for other people as it is for us. 363 00:37:22,570 --> 00:37:30,910 And some of those places are practically on our doorstep. Some of them are places where, you know, we're going to be playing football shortly. 364 00:37:30,910 --> 00:37:36,700 And I think that what I would like to do is in the coming years is to focus some 365 00:37:36,700 --> 00:37:41,200 of my energies on trying to make things better for people in places where, 366 00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,980 frankly, it's [INAUDIBLE] because we've come a long way. 367 00:37:44,980 --> 00:37:47,260 And you know, we can celebrate, 368 00:37:47,260 --> 00:37:55,640 but we need to share that celebration so that other people can can be who they are without being afraid that it's going to cost them the lives. 369 00:37:55,640 --> 00:38:03,740 I feel I have had a very, very fortunate life. I do the one thing in the world I ever wanted to do, and they pay me money for it. 370 00:38:03,740 --> 00:38:07,850 I live with a woman that I love. We have a son. 371 00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:12,800 We have a dog. Really? I feel very blessed. 372 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:22,940 I feel very content. We're not complacent. And I would like to to spread that and share that one of the things that I am involved with is football. 373 00:38:22,940 --> 00:38:24,890 I am a director of Raith Rovers Football Club, 374 00:38:24,890 --> 00:38:32,390 and one of the things that we're working with is campaign against homophobia in sport in general and football in particular. 375 00:38:32,390 --> 00:38:40,460 And. Although we've come a long, long way, the still battles to be fought on in the moment of celebration, 376 00:38:40,460 --> 00:38:47,650 I would like to think a little bit about the ways that we can maybe help to support other people when they're fighting their battles. 377 00:38:47,650 --> 00:38:52,420 I just want to leave that little thought with you to changes all up. 378 00:38:52,420 --> 00:38:59,290 So I have I have talked about you, I think probably for quite long enough, and I'm told that the intent is that there should be. 379 00:38:59,290 --> 00:39:08,360 I suppose you'd have to call it an LGBTQ Annie. 380 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:16,112 This is the point we're going to be assisted by the pro vice chancellor here, but.